Tools for Tough Conversations
Part 1
For the Sake
of the Other
A saint is two, two friends Whom God transforms to one through love. No one is saint alone, only self-righteous.”
Al-Hallaj, Sufi mystic, trans. Herbert Mason
“One of the first things we notice in the story of man and woman is the reason given for Eve’s creation. The verse tells us that her mission is to be an ezer k’negdo—literally, a helper against him. Ezer means ‘helper,’ k’negdo means ‘against him.’ Why against him? The rabbinic commentators tell us that this teaches us a model of friendly antagonism, one in which, in order to support you, I challenge you. My intentions are for the sake of our friendship, so that your thinking is clarified, your ideas refined within the bounds of our conversation. The first couple are also the first friends, the first strangers, the first to encounter an Other. What does it mean to disagree for the sake of the other rather than in order to defeat or silence the other?”
Elie Wiesel, from Witness: Lessons from Elie Wiesel’s Classroom, p. 37
Questions to consider:
- What does it mean to disagree for the sake of the other?
- What happens when we see a disagreement as a collaborative dance, a moment of improvisational music or theater, a partnership in the quest for understanding?
Part 2
Conflict as Creation
Our natural tendency is to avoid confrontation, and this can lead to a politeness that, for the sake of learning, must be challenged. This is why I encourage you to question me, to question one another, and to question your own assumptions.”
Elie Wiesel
Know, too, that conflict is a kind of Creation….If all people agreed about everything, there would be no place for new worlds to be created. However, as a result of their disputes, with each one withdrawing to a different side [of an issue], space is opened between them, and in this space new worlds can come into being.
Nevertheless, they must take care not to say more than is necessary; only as much as is needed for the world’s creation, no more…. For [too much speaking, not enough listening – AB] is like an overload of light, which shatters the vessels…”
Rabbi Nachman of Breslov (1772-1810, Ukrainian Hasidic master)
Questions to consider:
- What does it mean that conflict is creation?
- What is the creative potential in disagreement?
- When have you learned something from someone with whom you disagreed?
- Where have you seen disagreement break down?
- What are the elements of a strong vessel for disagreement?
Part 3
Tools for Tough
Conversations
Here are some tools to try out before, during, and after a difficult conversation. Try these the next time you’re facing such a moment. Or experiment with a partner, using these tools, when things are calm and quiet, as a practice, a way of building muscles for those challenging moments.
Before you begin
Remember that disagreement represents an opportunity to learn to create and to connect.
Presume the best of your interlocutor (unless you have clear evidence of ill will).
Lay out what success would look and feel like – and reverse engineer the conversation.
Establish what is acceptable first.
Establish what to do if someone gets triggered.
Share and name potential triggers and sensitivities.
Be aware of roles.
Remind people that it’s OK to make mistakes. This is an evolving process.
In process
Always argue with the steel, not the straw person (i.e., the strongest, not the weakest version of your opponent’s position).
Stick with “I” language.
Notice uses of 1st, 2nd, 3rd person.
No ad hominem attacks. Ever.
Ask more questions.
Use humor where appropriate.
Pay attention to timing and the other person’s emotions/place.
Leave plenty of silence and space. Breathe. Notice your body.
Bring your whole self, and be intentional about using different modes (e.g., data, feelings).
Seek the story behind the argument. Every position has a story behind it.
Gauge the level of vulnerability and sharing stories, trauma, and background, with intention and awareness.
Let the other finish what they want to say. Don’t rush to fix it.
Switch sides.
Check and recheck the data. Consider the relationship between data and feelings.
Seek out and pay attention to ghosts.
Check-in with our intentions and the impact of what we are saying.
Celebrate moments of reevaluation.
Part 4
Dashboard
In development: the Dashboard for Constructive Conflict. This is an interactive tool that uses real-time user data to help us learn about the subtle and counterintuitive dynamics that take place during conflicts. To be used in training settings and during actual difficult conversations.
