Conflict Norms

Remember that disagreement represents an opportunity to learn to create and to connect.

Presume the best of your interlocutor (unless you have clear evidence of ill will).

Lay out what success would look and feel like – and reverse engineer the conversation.

Establish what is acceptable first.

Establish what to do if someone gets triggered.

Share and name potential triggers and sensitivities.

Be aware of roles.

Remind people that it’s OK to make mistakes. This is an evolving process.

Always argue with the steel, not the straw person (i.e., the strongest, not the weakest version of your opponent’s position).

Stick with “I” language.

Notice uses of 1st, 2nd, 3rd person.

No ad hominem attacks. Ever.

Ask more questions.

Use humor where appropriate.

Pay attention to timing and the other person’s emotions/place.

Leave plenty of silence and space. Breathe. Notice your body.

Bring your whole self, and be intentional about using different modes (e.g., data, feelings).

Seek the story behind the argument. Every position has a story behind it.

Gauge the level of vulnerability and sharing stories, trauma, and background, with intention and awareness.

Let the other finish what they want to say. Don’t rush to fix it.

Switch sides.

Check and recheck the data. Consider the relationship between data and feelings.

Seek out and pay attention to ghosts.

Check-in with our intentions and the impact of what we are saying.

Celebrate moments of reevaluation.

Reflect appreciation.

Honor your interlocutor.

Shake out any residual tension (together if possible, or on your own.).

Name the places that are unresolved.

Make a plan to meet again. Quote your opponent first.